Empty Feelings & Finding Purpose

    What does it mean when you feel "empty?" Are there no feelings going on? I often have this out of sorts, "empty" sort of feeling - notably at night - the day is done, I should feel relieved, but instead there is a gape: now what? People with depression understand this feeling well - it is often a warning sign, our minds telling us something is up. In my long experience dealing with depression, I've learned to heed these warning signs. 
    One of the things that has helped me get out of this slump of emptiness is a gratitude journal. I often find myself thinking about the things I'm most grateful for to be a catalyst to reorganize my thought processes, moving into a more productive way of thinking. Another thing that helps me is sunlight - there is very little right now, and I desperately need some. I have a lamp that treats SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder); think I will go sit by it for awhile.
    In the meantime, here are some things I'm grateful for:

• My child's eyes, knowing, wise, full of tears and then joy almost simultaneously 
• The color of the sky right before a summer storm - that vibrant blue that crackles with energy
• Charcoal pencils - instruments of power for the images inside my mind
• Cold that shocks and wakes me up making me shake and feel alive 

    FINDING PURPOSE

    I often ask myself while feeling these empty feelings, what am I doing? What should I be doing? What do I want to do? I know what I want to do - I want to be at a beach, walking in the sun, letting the ocean swell around my feet. That isn't feasible at the moment but what is? What is meaningful? 

• Drawing, creating - anything - is meaningful, as is writing (creating)
• Smiling at someone is meaningful - letting warmth in, connecting
• Holding my husband's hand is meaningful to me
• Listening to someone is meaningful - just listening, not trying to be heard, but actually hearing
• Being here, being alive, being a spirit being of LIGHT - that is meaningful - my existence is not accidental, it matters

Welcome

     Ten years ago I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I was 19, and not surprised at all to learn about the diagnosis - it runs in my family just like hazel eyes and long toes. I was promptly placed on the popular SSRI of the time - Prozac. In the years that followed I went on and off different meds - SSRI's targeting serotonin, nor-epinephrin, dopamine, and so on. Meds for anxiety, meds to sleep. Meds to wake up. All these drugs made for a messed up me - more messed up than I was prior to the diagnosis.
    In the early days I discovered a few things that helped. Things like sunlight, meditation cd's, and shopping. Yes, shopping. For that special something - that gave me a lift and kept me going for awhile. 
    Later on I would discover other things - service, exercise, and special combinations of vitamins that helped me get off most of the meds. And of course, Art. As time goes on I learn more and more how to be happy - because it takes a lot of effort for me, but is vitally important to my existence. 
    So this blog is about my discoveries - what I like, what works, what brings a smile, what hurts. For more info about shopping as therapy, check out this Discovery Health article, Good Health Comes In Small Packages.